Self-Sabotage Via Perfectionism
“Perfectionism undermines and destroys its own basic purpose.”
A sturdy, resilient streak of perfectionism runs through my nature. I’ve turned it too good effect in many arenas of my life but it’s undermined me to equal degree. It works well for some patients and colleagues but an equal number find it excessive if not oppressive. My wife, blessed with abundant serenity and a sure sense of self, screens it out, placidly staying on her path, while reminding me to “slow down and take it easy”. I try. I fail. I try again. I fail again.
I’m thinking of having the quote above, from George Kennan, the historian and political scientist, emblazoned above my office desk, a reminder of the opportunity costs of perfectionism in an imperfect world.
I’ve lots of company among members of the medical profession.
Sam, an accomplished internist, would seem to have it all. Trained in medicine and his subspecialty at a prestigious medical center, talented at procedures that net him and his practice partners a steady stream of patients and revenue, blessed with a delightful wife and three healthy children, yet….
Sam, beneath the surface calm and success, is not at ease. Ten percent of his mind is always off in another world where words like meaningless, futility and restless abound. Ten percent of the time he’s absorbed totally with such glass half empty emotions.
He can’t seem to make up his mind whether to enjoy or endure.
What has he achieved or is yet to accomplish?
Which matters more - that which is easy or that which is difficult?
He sees the absurdity but can’t stop himself. A young adult life of constant striving has corrupted his neural networks to strive to improve while procrastinating on enjoyment. He finds himself hard to live with. his wife and children feel this too. Most of his colleagues and support staff sense this tension, admire him for his abilities but also find him tough to tolerate.
Sam could be a poster child for the perpetually perfectionist physician. An attribute whose kinetics are non-linear, where toxicity is all too common, where a variation on the adage that saints are hell to live with all too accurate. Saul Bellow put it eloquently: ” Some people embrace their gifts with gratitude. Others have no use for them and can only think about overcoming their weaknesses. Only their defects interest and challenge them.”
A not insignificant amount of the career dissatisfaction expressed by many physicians has a Sam-like quality to it. Most importantly, no career changes, no amount of career advising can accomplish much without an awareness of this quality in those affected coupled with an unbounding determination to change it.
One must, pun intended, be a perfectionist in decoupling our need to be a perfectionist. Thereafter, all things are possible.